When I turned 26, in 1991, I was careless enough to attract the attention of a Christian sect. As a result, I lost everything.
I was compromised in the eyes of others: it turns out there are some Jesuit methods to cut you off from the social environment. I was betrayed by my parents - I'm sure they'll have dead by now though without my help - I suspect they were promised that they would get back already a diligent son. In addition, my right hand was slightly damaged though at that time it was the least of my worries. Most worryingly, I was subjected to such sophisticated brainwashing, my unconscious was poisoned to such an extent that if I tried to look inside myself, I fell into hell. I threw everything I had in Moscow and fled to Bulgaria. I had a severe neurosis (the second time in my life) and I was afraid it'd go into something worse.
I don't know why, but I've always been in love with everything related to Buddhism, Vedic religions, and Taoism; as a teenager, I also read about Zen, and it made a deep impression on me.
And then living in Bulgaria, I found Katsuki Sekida's Zen Training: Methods and Philosophy - it was in 1995 - I started practising to the best of my understanding. Then I learnt Bulgarian and found more books about Zen. But my neurosis was so severe that it was difficult to practise classical sitting zazen, so I invented my own method of walking zazen and only later moved to the sitting practice which I also did in a specific way. Soon my nightmares began to dissolve, but because they had occupied such a great place in my unconscious - a multitude of associative links - I became a completely different person.
The recovery was a gradual process, stretched over several years, but now I have almost no fear and depression. But don't confuse depression with yearning; sometimes I yearn, but I love it: yearning helps me feel my self in all its depth. In a word, I invented a simple Zen method which anyone can practise without a teacher and which is effective for curing mental problems.
I was compromised in the eyes of others: it turns out there are some Jesuit methods to cut you off from the social environment. I was betrayed by my parents - I'm sure they'll have dead by now though without my help - I suspect they were promised that they would get back already a diligent son. In addition, my right hand was slightly damaged though at that time it was the least of my worries. Most worryingly, I was subjected to such sophisticated brainwashing, my unconscious was poisoned to such an extent that if I tried to look inside myself, I fell into hell. I threw everything I had in Moscow and fled to Bulgaria. I had a severe neurosis (the second time in my life) and I was afraid it'd go into something worse.
I don't know why, but I've always been in love with everything related to Buddhism, Vedic religions, and Taoism; as a teenager, I also read about Zen, and it made a deep impression on me.
And then living in Bulgaria, I found Katsuki Sekida's Zen Training: Methods and Philosophy - it was in 1995 - I started practising to the best of my understanding. Then I learnt Bulgarian and found more books about Zen. But my neurosis was so severe that it was difficult to practise classical sitting zazen, so I invented my own method of walking zazen and only later moved to the sitting practice which I also did in a specific way. Soon my nightmares began to dissolve, but because they had occupied such a great place in my unconscious - a multitude of associative links - I became a completely different person.
The recovery was a gradual process, stretched over several years, but now I have almost no fear and depression. But don't confuse depression with yearning; sometimes I yearn, but I love it: yearning helps me feel my self in all its depth. In a word, I invented a simple Zen method which anyone can practise without a teacher and which is effective for curing mental problems.
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